So I decided to be an menace yesterday. I was craving a taste of Lagos madness (as if my workday wasn’t madness enough)
Work had ended. I crossed the road, stood at the bus-stop, waiting for a bus with a conductor half out, screaming for my stop.
One came. Called a four hundred price tag as five hundred naira.
I swear its like all these conductors change prices and sit to see the mugu who would pay for them. And Nigerians still pay. The amount of times I’ve seen bus conductors change price is alarming. Today the ride is four hundred, tomorrow three hundred, the next six hundred. That’s why if you tell them you have change and give last price they take it no argument. They know what they did.
Anyway, I needed to get home quickly so I asked this conductor, “Four hundred?”
He said no.
I said fuck it and entered the bus. I mean I had the money.
Then I realized that it was the last seat. Y’know, the one with the pull out chair.
Not only did this pull out chair not have a cushion, so I was sitting on plank and iron, the guy beside me was huge and basically in my space, squeezing me even. And refused to adjust.
All this for five hundred?
No!
My evil face rose and I decided then and there that I would pay four hundred naira. I kuku had two, two hundred naira notes.
I got them out and waited till the conductor asked for money. And he did.
I gave him the four hundred.
He counted it and gave me back saying, “Madam, I told you five hundred.”
“Look at where I dey, How I’m squeezed, you no fit just give me four hundred abeg. Na wetin I get.”
Don’t look so shocked that I speak small pidgin.
Then he said, ”Na five hundred. If not you go pay two hundred, make I drop you for the next bus stop.”
That was when I knew this conductor was actually a thief. The next bus stop was hundred naira away from where he picked me, and this man knew that.
I told him hundred, he said no, two hundred.
This man is not serious. The minor internal debate I had of giving him his five hundred vanished. This man was going to collect that four hundred by force. I’m kuku a very stubborn fellow.
We got to that next bus stop. I moved seats to a more comfortable spot but I was still squeezed.
He collected money again, skipped over me. Then resumed yelling at me to give him five hundred not four.
I would like to note that I had one ear in the ecstasy of music, the other listening to him lament. And I didn’t respond.
I was quiet to the point the other bus riders got tired.
“Oya, why you dey shout like this untop hundred naira”
(me smiling inside with glee)
Another person, “Simple hundred naira oh”
Conductor, “If na simple hundred naira, you sef pay am.”
Another person “Na hundred naira make your body hot”
The conductor took the hint. He shut up. We got to another stop. Some people came down, some entered. Time for money collection again. I gave him my four hundred. Fresh mint offering worthy four hundred like this.
The man skipped me again.
His lamentations resumed.
“Madam, I go show you pepper today. You go see me”
That was when the bus riders intercepted. Mind you I’ve been silent this entire time. Wondering what his threats mean. Will he drive me and lose more money?
“Oga, you dey threaten am?”
Another woman, ”What do you mean by show her pepper, if something happens to her shey you know it will be on your head.”
Another woman, “Why you dey talk like this untop hundred naira?”
He kept quiet.
Next bus stop. These three Igbo babes entered—highlight of my evening by the way. Money collection, my poor four hundred skipped. You know the drill. He lamented. The babes asked why, bus riders told them it was for hundred naira.
Me, I was already thinking of how to get off. What if he grabs me? Kick to the nuts and jump on his neck? No if someone records I’ll be tagged as a murderer. But should I just let him grab me? What if I stab him with biro?
If I engage with him, I’ll look as crazy as him. Remember Neme, mummy said, if you fight with a mad person, no one will be able to tell the difference. You are dignified. Actually the worst he can do is carry me to their last bus stop.
These babes sha had a lovely conversation entirely in Igbo that I was privy to. Really set babes like this. They even decided to prank the conductor that they were stopping at Dolphin estate. The conductor was confused and then realized they were messing with him. One of the babes said she didn’t know a dolphin estate, the one beside me said it was on the island. Apparently, none of them had been to the island, they just know that Dolphin is there.
Anyway, we got to my bus stop. I started to come down. Conductor stretched out his hand. I gave him four hundred. He rejected it and said I’m not getting down.
Me: You’ll lose more money sha, but if that’s what you want.
And I went to sit back down. At that point, I didn’t even care where they would take me. That four hundred was all I was going to give him.
The passengers were already screaming at him on my behalf. Then the driver, a tired man, told him to let me go.
The conductor was like, “Did you hear what she said?”
The driver said, “Let her go.”
So reluctantly, he moved for me to get off the bus. Angrily took the four hundred and went on to say, “Ekwensu”
Oh, an Igbo man. Explains the stinginess so much.
I called him a devil too.
We verbally sparred in Igbo and then he had the nerve to say I was smelling.
Me? I gave him back his size. I don’t do respect by age here.
“Me, smelling. You black man, with your brown clothes. See they’ve even torn. Look at your slippers sef, See how every part of you is dirty.”
The bus started to move and that imbecile of a conductor spat in my direction.
I told him if any part of his spit touched me God would punish him and thunder will strike his black ass.
The bus drove off.
I laughed on my walk home. If this is how it felt to be an instigator, if this was my first time displaying this Lagos Madness ting, then it was quite fun. Maybe it’s not every time I should mind my business
Like I wasn’t even angry. I was planning how to taunt the man if I crossed his path again.
Also if you were on that bus and you see this. I’m not like that. I swear.
This brought me joy after an anxiety attack and a gloomy seasonal depression rainy morning. Thank you🎀🍍
Dennis the menace indeed😆😆