Hollow

i dunno

I feel empty. I feel like nothing. An inconsequential person. Invisible.

But I'm not. I'm present. I'm talking. I just don't know how I'm doing it.

I...

I get to be by myself, and I realize that I'm existing not living. Then I ask myself how long I've been existing for, and I can't find the answer. I don't know when I made the switch. I don't know when I'll switch back and then this will be another forgotten episode.

I feel numb. Empty. Like a husk. A hollow shell. Life is happening around me, but I can't feel. I'm just there. On my phone. Alone in the midst of people.

Distracting my brain to the point where I can't even remember the last video I saw. It’s like I'm on autopilot. Three drivers cursed me mentally today after almost hitting me on the road. I saw the annoyance in their eyes.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't know why I feel like this. Like all positive emotions are dimmed but negative ones heightened.

I can't process love or happiness only sadness and despair. But I can fake it. Mimic it. Existing.

Just texted a friend. They won't know I'm dying. No one will know. No one knows unless I tell them. But I never will. I never do. I struggle so much in my mind, and I never talk about it.

Was talking to someone about my coping behaviours yesterday. How I sometimes go to a hospital parking lot to be alone and drink and they called me weird.

Am I weird for wanting solace but craving companionship? The kind of companionship where there's no pressure.

I like midnight. I always wake up midnight. Before I started working, i slept through the day and woke up at night but now I wake up midnight and stay up for like an hour or two and then go back to bed.

Is it normal to want to be alone as much as I do? Is it the lack of pressure?

I don't know. I started this cause I saw a video that said I should just write and see what comes out.

I want to die sometimes. Its weaker now but I still cross the road with my ears blocked hoping one day I'm not careful enough and a truck hits me. I cross a pedestrian bridge, and I think of jumping and how my blood would look splattered across the tar. My imagery isn't good though and I'm too lazy to find an actual gory video cause I'm of the opinion I shouldn't be having these thoughts. But they're there. And they're worse on days like this. It’s why I drink when I'm sad, so I don't think of these things. My mum says I should be careful cause I have alcoholic tendencies. She might be right or not. But I think it's more about not being in my head.

I had an iron burn on Sunday. It stung as I went to bed. By morning, it didn't hurt anymore. The blister had developed. I was in a pretty good state of mind, but my first thought was still, "I miss the pain. I see why people self-harm. I feel like burning myself again " and then it was followed with, "that's not a normal thought process. Normal people don't think this way”

So yeah, this is me. Do I have depression. High functioning depression? No. No, I don’t. I just have moods where I get like this. I'll take an edible, get high and be fine. And I'll read this with my regular brain and wonder what the fuck I was so dramatic about.

If you saw this and you know me, you didn't see this. It’s a figment of your imagination. Don't ask how I am. If you text within the next twelve hours, I'd be high. And after that I'd be the yapping girl you know and tolerate.

Haven't taken the edible yet, cause I'm too lazy to stand up, so I'm not done.

I can't help but wonder if my state, this state, is why I never have an answer to the question, "where will you be in five years"

I don't know. I can't plan it. I can never visualize it. I just feel like I'd be alive. I want to be traveling, seeing the world but that feels like a fantasy, one that I don't have the path to.

Like I'm so focused on living now that I can't plan. My brain hurts when I try. I don't understand how people do it. Have five-year or ten-year plans.

I'm up. I'm chewing. I'll be high soon.

Goodnight.