I want to jump off a pedestrian bridge

I hate 9 - 5's so much

We’ve reached the point in every job I hold where I’m a wrong breath away from a depressive episode and/or mental breakdown. I already get to work by 9.45am (I’m supposed to be there 8am) every morning after waking up by 7am and using two hours to mentally convince myself to go to work for the money. The fact no-one has said anything yet baffles me.

I would say this slow descent into madness began the moment they moved me to this new office. To say I hate the place is an understatement.

I wake up every morning and groan.

Are there upsides to the new location? Yes. I mean ten minutes cut off my morning commute, cheaper transport fares, freedom at the weekends.

Anyway that’s not the point. The point is that I came here to rant because I know ranting calms me down and I really need to be calm enough to tackle this task I was given before someone’s Yoruba grandma curses for me and my generation because I was rude to her.

I hate this place so much.

I hate that I run into more people than in the former location.

I hate that they’re meetings for everything.

I hate the fake smile plastered on my face because I can’t let it show that I’m mentally planning how to set fire to this place.

I hate the security guards here who for some reason want to collect my number despite me saying no.

I hate the silly jokes made cause I’m the only girl on the team.

I hate the fact that this politeness override in my brain has me talking to people I really don’t want to talk to, so much so that they think we’re friends.

I hate how I have to hold my pee because the journey to the toilet feels like I’m crossing the Syrian border.

I hate how much this place sucks my joy.

I hate that I can’t remember the last time I went home in a genuinely good mood.

I hate getting home, knowing I have to wake up and do it all over again.

I hate the fact that my favorite glovo restaurants with all my favorite comfort foods don’t deliver here

I hate that all the glovo restaurants near here are absolute shit.

I hate that I’m not a nepo baby and I can’t just quit cause I’m tired.

I hate that I cross the road and hope that a car hits me so I don’t have to show up to work.

I hate that I see a pedestrian bridge and almost automatically, my first thought is what if I climbed it and jumped.

What car would hit me?

How long will my body be dragged before they noticed?

How red would the expressway be?

But alas, I have loved ones. I’m not supposed to be having these thoughts.

Hmm, I guess the depressive episode was already teetering on the horizon. Guess chupachupa, minimie chinchin and sosa can only do so much to tamp down my daily frustrations.

But it is well.

Also this didn’t work. I’m still frustrated.

Maybe not as frustrated as I started but I know an interaction with another human will take me back there.

If you see this and you know me, please don’t text me. I will ignore it. I’m in no mood for human interaction right now (though that stupid task requires it of me)