Interlude: Sadness

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As

MUBARAK

said, write a post.

But there's nothing to write.

I'm currently hiding in plain sight, trying not to cry, while actively playing sad music (talk about counter-productive).

My mind keeps flitting to the meme I saw this morning. It had 12 masks on it and the caption was pick a mask to gain their powers. There was Batman and a bunch of other people I didn't recognize. Venom too. But I chose Deadpool.

Why?

He can regenerate.

I want to stab myself and not die. Slice myself and not feel the pain. Fall from a skyscraper and walk away unscathed.

Thinking about that choice in the morning right now, just reminds me of a fact I've known about myself.

I can't stand pain.

Probably why I've never self-harmed (ignoring the candle incident)

So instead of physical self-harm, I usually go mental. I torture myself in my head. Repeat my worst fears over and over again. Then Breakdown. Cry. Forget the episode ever happened. Be happy for another month. Repeat.

I wonder why my sadness works this way. Why it’s so strong and devastating and dark. Why I have thoughts like this.

I’mma stop here. The more I type, the more I dig into places I have covered up with a mat and tape.

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Note: I feel a bit better now. I wrote this while at work during lunch hour. Currently, I’m in my room, eating chupa chupa candy and watching Big Time Rush so my mind is numbed enough. That being said, I posted this because I feel like someone might need it.

Also, I do think I was quite funny with the subtitle thing. Sad Chineme still has a sense of humor.

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