Is Shitting Necessary?

NYSC Chronicles Day 1 - 6

Like every other introvert, I brought novels to camp. It was a hard decision but I narrowed my choices to 9 books (partly because there was no more space in my box)

Now why am I venting? Its Monday. I finished the first one in the SAED lecture amid minor naps and minor pressing phones. Its break time and I went to my room (which is conveniently close to the lecture ground) to get a second book for the remaining part of the lecture and my room was LOCKED.

Uggghhhhhhhhhh. Why would this room leader babe do me like this. And I don't even know her name, number or platoon. Just her face.

What did she expect me to do for the remaining one hour thirty minutes of this lecture? Listen????

Now I'm fuming while typing.

Hello substack family and if you're new welcome to a mini series called, 21 days in hell(ngl I'm kinda having fun, but keep that hushhush, complaining pays the bills)

So my last newsletter was the beginning of my journey to Ekiti state and I will be pleased to inform you, I made it one piece.

WEDNESDAY

Got my room (after a lot of pushing and fights) and went for registration, only to find out from my friend that the original certificate was needed to register.

Who can guess where Chineme's certificate was?

Yes, you eagerly jumping in the front.

Correct, it was in my bookshelf. At home. In Lagos.

After a few calls with people coming to Ekiti on Thursday and my mother, we were able to work out an arrangement (my mother was the real mvp abeg, that woman deserves millions for how she grounds me when I'm losing my shit)

Why did I leave my certificate at home, you ask?

Why will I travel with my original certificate? Why can't they accept a coloured copy?

Abi, am I the only person who thinks like this? Well we've established my decision making skills are a bit wonky.

With no certificate, I did what any self respecting PCM would do and went to mami market to eat.

A little bath to wash up my dusty feet, and Wednesday ended.

THURSDAY

Woke up late (because for some stupid reason I'm in a world where 4am is late to wake up if you want to bathe). Went to have my bath while they were chasing people for devotion. Hid in the bathroom while the soldier passed. Got to my room (beside the bathroom), shut the door, turned off the light, shut the door, dressed up, did skincare and then reasoned that since I'm technically not registered, I didn't have to go for devotion then slept back on my bed.

6.30, I was at registration hall. The line was hell yesterday and I figured if I could get to the line early enough, by the time I get to the front, the girl with my certificate would be there.

I was wrong

Not by my hands but by Nigeria's.

A few mishaps ,breakdowns and consolation by my friends, talking to officials to see if I could get a day exeat from camp, more stress filled moments, serious prayers and constant phone calls to a random stranger (don't ask), my certificate made it to camp by 6pm.

Yes my spot in the line had passed hours ago.

Anywho. I registered by 7pm. Clap for me.

For future reference and anyone yet do to nysc. Don't do it. And if you still choose to do it. Don't forget your original certificate.

A general meeting, a food vendor tour by a mutual friend that I just met and a night bath to wash my dusty everything, Thursday ended

FRIDAY

I woke up early enough. Went for devotion, then dipped when they let people yet to register leave the devotion.

Got my kit after begging another platoon for stapler (I left my steeze at the gate abeg) without knowing my platoon had a stapler.

Trouser? Tight. Shoes? Small. But I made do because I was determined to be kitted up for the swearing-in ceremony.

A few oaths (I have no idea what I agreed to in that ceremony) and pictures later, I took off the undersized kit and went to mami market.

Met my platoon in full for the first time in the evening.

Uneventful evening, eventful night.

At about 11pm at night, the official in charge of our block burst into our room, turned on the light, and demanded we picked a room leader or else we sleep outside and began counting one to ten

Mind you, about 70% of my roommates were asleep and only woke up when she was at no 7.

Sha sha, two girls volunteered and she left to torture the next room

SATURDAY.

I was awake from 2 am. I stood up to wash and bathe by 3.45am.

You can see I am my own problem, cause I was hopping to put on my socks and shoes outside my room after we were sent out.

Then I got to parade ground and realized I forgot my phone on my bed. Had to run back to get it of course.

But I attended my first devotion guys. Clap for me.

A few drills here. 'Who is a soldier, a soldier is a killer' songs there and about fifteen rounds of marching and morning ended.

Okay, it didn't end. It was just time for breakfast (7.30am)

Then lectures, yes boring 9am to 2pm. Then lunch. Then more marching.

I so love it here😒

After marching, in which I was selected to march for my platoon, I went to band to confront the head-who told me he didn't recruiting women for band due to them having done him dirty before-after I saw girls there.

This beautiful man that was holding auditions when I got there, saw me, recognized me, and told me no the second time. I was upset but all the girls there told me they're also just hanging around hoping he'll change their mind.

Ha. Wahala oo.

I left him male dominated band for him abeg, they picked me to march (insert smug face)

Can you tell I've never marched before? Not even in secondary school? If you mentally asked why, I was princess in jss1 (as a fine girl) and in band from jss2 (as a recorder player) till ss3 (played snare drums from jss3).

Anywho, I have been playing drums for about 9 years (was in band in uni too). By listening in from my platoon, I knew what was happening there abeg.

Dinner came. We had no party so I just charged my phone at the kiosk of a vendor I had become a regular at.

Dust gets into weird places guys. Always have your night bath

SUNDAY

For the first time. I didn't wake up earlier than 6am. Oh the joy.

Hung in my room till 12 (platoon meeting)

Then marching, lectures and our welcome party.

The party was fun. They tried to make it an interplatoon dance competition and mine (ours) came 3rd.

I also saw this one guy with Megan knees cause please tell me why you're whining and going up and down effortlessly.

MONDAY

Woke up 3am. Went to get water to bathe. No water in all my regular spots. Had to go to a further distance and was in a line till 3.45am. Only for when it got to my turn, the pumping machine was turned on and all other taps begun running.

Uggghhhhhhhh.

I had to carry my metal handed bucket all the way to my room (I will need a serious body massage after all this stress)

Bathed, drilled, ran in a circle, marched and then right as my day was looking up, the zip to my waist bag broke.

Then we're here at the lectures from hell.

I'm tired. I want to go home. I'm a babygirl. I'm not build for this. I have spent more money in one week here than I would at home. I'm afraid to eat cause I have no idea where I'll shit.

Like what do you mean you expect me to shit in a–*checks notes*–bucket called potty, pick it up and take it to a– *checks notes again, notes are unclear, looks at audience and shrugs* –to throw it away, then wash said bucket for next time.

If I end up constipated, I will genuinely understand.

Now there are definitely upsides. I just can't name any right now cause I'm knee deep in complaint mud.

Also my platoon is first for man o war exercises. I saw a rope between two trees. Is it me you expect to cross it?

Haew😪

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Still hate editing on my phone. But at least a lack of novel got y’all a newsletter out of me. And I think the genuine boredom(cause network is shit here) has let me get more creative. If only I had a laptop to pour that creativity into but I’m here stuck with a phone.

Also

Sade L

this is mainly for you. Run away from NYSC. You have been warned ⚠️

If you see any error, ignore it. Too tired to proofread at this point.