Why do we not want to be perceived?
I have a draft. I started this draft over a month ago. Halfway through it, I stopped.
Why? I was sharing too much. I was peeling back layers of myself and I didn’t even want to see what would come out, talk less of sharing whatever monstrosity I found under there with other people.
The peeled scab healed. I thought I was ready. It’d been a while. I could do this.
I opened the draft again today. I typed a paragraph. I closed it.
It’s too messy. Too hard. Did I even know what I wanted to say? What message I wanted to pass across? What was so I afraid of? Being wrong? Being seen?
to be perceived means being regarded in a specified way —used to say how something or someone is seen or thought of.
~Merriam-Webster Dictionary
No.
I was afraid of letting people in.
For as long as I’ve known I’ve had minor trust issues. Okay, minor is a lie. I have serious trust issues. I can yap to you about anything in my life. Overshare details and stories of my childhood. But the moment my feelings are involved? I clam up.
I don’t speak.
Everyone has a way they want to be seen. A reputation they like to uphold. Me? I like to be seen as fun. As happy. As a bit quirky. As someone who loves to read and loves music.
Anything outside that and I get a tad uncomfortable.
And it works that way for everyone.
I think the general fear of perception comes from being afraid to be seen differently from how you want to be seen.
You want to be seen as confident and not insecure.
You want to be seen as nonchalant and are afraid to show how much you care about a particular subject or topic.
You want to look like you have it all together instead of showing the cracks depicting how you’re breaking apart and glueing yourself together.
I mean Instagram has it covered. The fake bodies, the presentation of best self for public admiration.
But my favorite part of TikTok has always been the realness. People go on there, make videos about their niche interests, what they love, what they fear and always find their community. Every single time they strip a layer of themselves, people are there to apply salve and give them the confidence to continue peeling.
My favorite comment on there is, “I have no original experience” because it shows me that whatever I feel, someone has felt it and is currently feeling it. And because the person in the video, found the courage to talk about it, more people have the courage to talk and there’s a community in the comment section. They’re less alone in that experience.
Now do I think I will be able to do that? Face the fear of putting myself out there, wounds and all?
No, not really.
But I’m willing to try.
I’ll keep going back to that draft. Maybe someday I’ll finish it. Maybe after finishing it, I’ll find the courage to hit publish.
Maybe I’ll not.
But I will always keep trying.
I just created a wallpaper with Canva that has my most important resolution of the year ‘Be a better friend’ and I’m proud of it
Curiosity.....
🌹