the one about bank gbas gbos

local girl was stunned

Announcer: LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!! In the left corner, we have the customer, a tall, dark, older man wearing a jalabiya (had to ask google how to spell this. it’s alternatively spelled jalamia, the more you know). In the right corner, we have a bank staff, apprehensive, a bit confused and over all the drama. LET THE MATCH BEGIN!

Me, a spectator: *chews popcorn* Nobody told me banks were this entertaining.

So last week, for two days in a row I went to the bank and I learned a few things (I will be explaining these in detail along the line).

1. Banks close to the public by 4pm not 5pm (not sure why I didn't know this but the more you learn I guess)

2. Banks are a reasonable and unsafe place for crashouts (no because money is such a good reason to crashout)

3. Wrinkled ass people are truly insufferable (in case I wasn't clear, I meant the elderly)

Now for the gist (what y’all are actually here for). I carried my two left legs to the bank the first day. I entered. The moment I saw the crowd in front of the two customer service ladies, I knew I was in for gbese. My initially assumed one hour trip to bank one, then another hour in bank two, almost crumbled before my eyes (didn't know what kind of magic I wanted to perform wanting to go to two banks and getting to bank one by 2.30pm. It's my fault honestly)

So a bit confused, as someone who has a banker as a mother (she’s still salty I have other bank accounts), and has never gone to bank to complain for a day in her life (most of my bank issues were solved with a phonecall or a short walk to her room at night to complain), I walked up to a security guard and asked him what to do (a girl wanted to open etoken). Luckily for my little naive ajebutter ass, one lady overheard me and said she wanted to do the same thing and instructed me on what form to fill.

God truly works because if not for the fact I decided to rawdog Nigeria that day (me not listening to music in public is unheard of, so it was truly a miracle), I wouldn't have noticed that a guy was sharing number on a piece of paper. My plan was just to note all the people that were there before I arrived and note who came after me. (Stupid plan, I know. I don't know why I assumed that people were civilized enough to work like that)

I collected my number. No 16. They were at no 5. I thought to myself, well that’s not too far, thirty minutes tops (not my naivety speaking). I then proceeded to spend another fucking hour there before my turn approached. In that time, the WWE drama happened (I don’t fully remember this, I was reading a novel and looked up out of curiosity). The guy banged the table with his palm (ouch, wait, why am I saying ouch? it’s not my hand) and yelled at the cashier and the entire bank before leaving and I went back to my book (in my mind I was like, so after this tantrum, won't you be ashamed to show your face here again?)

Anyway me and the beautiful queen who helped me in the beginning got our forms collected together, only she got her code immediately, etoken opened and she then left, while my code was still pending so I had to wait some more (then again I use 9mobile so I deserved the delay).

Ladies and gentlemen, remember when I said banks were a reasonable and unsafe place for crashouts? Well I witnessed a big one. And this time I was paying full attention (clap for me)

So it started when this really fair, beautiful lady (wearing a green crop jacket I would love to steal) walked up to the customer care agent. I was busy admiring her fit (I swear the jacket with black jeans combo was such a hit) when she shouted and I decided to actually pay attention to what was being said.

Pretty Cashier: *clicking computer* Madam, the withdrawal was made in a branch in Aguda.

Green Crop Jacket: *astonished bordering on annoyed* Aguda ke? I made the withdrawal here. Where even is Aguda?

Pretty Cashier: *trying to be nice* It’s in Surulere. You’ll have to go there to resolve the issue.

Green Crop Jacket: *already fully annoyed now* I made the withdrawal here, what do you mean I have to go to Surulere.

Pretty Cashier: *sighs in ‘I see a version of this every other day’ and starts attending to the next customer as its pushing 4pm and they’re still a lot of people to attend to*

GCJ: *aggravated now, fuming* I SWEAR I WILL SCATTER YOUR OFFICE. I WILL BREAK YOUR COMPUTER AND NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO ME. HOW WILL I WITHDRAW AND YOU’RE OPENING YOUR MOUTH TO TELL ME TO GO TO SURULERE. *walks to where she put her bag scattering the stanchions (if I could google to find this world, you can google for the meaning hehe) and velvet rope (words of the day)*

The lady beside me: *laughing* that will be me if I don’t get back my 45k by Saturday

Me: *smiles and nods in fake agreement while wondering why this is normal behaviour and realising the twitter bank stories are real (my bad yall, I thought they were exagerrations)*

Now if you think what she did was wild, then can you imagine her reaction when one random male staff loudly whispered that someone should contain her? She almost ran mad. That was when we found out that she had had this issue since September, she had been coming to the bank sporadically and they had been delaying, and this was her breaking point. Finally sha they took her to a separate room to settle it.

Would you do the same for 20k in this T-pain era?

My answer would be yes, but as someone who waits last minute and overthinks saying ‘owa’ in a bus (no cause you expect me to be loud? in front of people? anxiety says no), I know the real answer is no. I will fume in my mind but the most you’ll get out of me is some lowly spoken crass words and a very rude glare.

Finally, sometime around 4.45pm the code entered, my etoken was opened and I could leave the bank (I was the last customer there. three gbosa to 9mobile)

So on day two, I went to the bank by 12noon (ain’t gonna catch me slipping twice). Entered, they had a separate place to collect atm card, did that quickly and asked where to open etoken (customer care again, whoopdee-fucking-doo)

I went to customer service, This time there was actually a line (finally some decorum). I stood behind this old man, then a guy sitting down away from the line, told me that he’s after the old guy. I told him I’ll be after him, then I went to sit down too (after filling another form, at that point I’d learned my BVN offhand. I’ve forgotten it as at now that I’m typing). A middle aged woman entered and went to the line, the guy talked to her too then she came to sit (twin!!).

The line was barely moving (it was slower than yesterday and there were four different people working as opposed to yesterday’s two). I watched tiktok to pass the time (my screentime on that app was 38hrs last week, clap for me). Another older lady lined up. I signaled to the guy. Then he went to tell her there are three people before her on the line and she got upset.

Me and the middle aged woman I thought would be my ally, stood up and went to meet the guy and the old woman to show our face. She admitted defeat and that’s where my third bank lesson started.

The middle aged woman told me she was after the guy. I told her that I’m after the guy. The guy confirmed that I was after him. She clutched her pearls and claimed propaganda, that he was helping me skip the line (like bitch I greeted you when you walked in, you fucking saw me before you sat).

The old man and old woman then put their mouth where their money wasn’t (it’s amebo that’ll kill you old people laslas. Yes, I’m still salty about the incident), and asked me why I went to sit down when I’m supposed to still be a vibrant youth (may you fall down, and by some dumb stroke of bad luck, the head of your walking stick ends up in your ass), and that they were the ones supposed to be sitting (how is the fact you grew up in selftorture culture my fault?)

The wrinkled ass middle aged woman then said she was after the guy and she was not going to be after me (later you’ll go home to teach your children how to do turn by turn, you hypocrite). The guy, a peacemaker (and kinda the cause of the whole issue), decided that the woman will instead cut in front of him so it’ll be her, him then me.

I swear I had never wanted to hit an older person as much as I did the moment I saw her smug face. She then used her entire body to block the space so I couldn’t cut in front of her (look at you playing childish games at your old age).

Anyway karma is a bitch cause I left that bank before her hehe (the agent attending to her was slow asf),

Y’all its a new week, yet another annoying Monday (peep the time I’m posting this, start of 9-5) and my advice is get your bread up (so you’ll see 40k Rema concert ticket and not flinch, hiss and close your laptop in annoyance) and drink enough glasses of wickedness (recalling bank day two invoked a lot of unresolved rage in me, I’m sorry y’all had to see that)

Any way here’s a song rec to help you get your bread up

And another rec to show the rewards of getting your bread up.

Notice how it’s the same artist? Exactly. Follow their footsteps (don’t say you didn’t gain anything reading this)