the one about mental paralysis

sometimes you just need liquid will-to-live

I went with a flask of wine to work and I’m not even sorry.

This morning, I woke up to sunlight streaming into my room and immediately knew I would be late to work. My first mood of the day immediately became clear. Disappointment. In myself.

At that point every previous, barely glossed over disappointment I was going though immediately hit and I went through a state of what I've been calling numbness.

Numbness is something my body does when it’s basically catatonic. I’m not angry. I’m not sad. I’m not happy. I basically refuse to feel and as a result, fail to care about anything that matters. This morning, I decided numbness doesn’t fully encapsulate it, so I think I’ll go with mental paralysis.

(Right now, I’m wondering if this is going to be another draft that I will never post cause I’m oversharing and I’m being vulnerable and I’m not comfortable with it)

Now as seen in my post the one where I get a little too real, I put a little too much pressure on myself. I’m sure everyone does. The only difference is that people beat themselves over each deadline that passes while I adapt, extend my deadlines, give myself allowances, then proceed to crash on the day I feel too much and the deadline extensions then feel like a long list of failure.

Incase that didn’t make sense to you, I normally read a book in three days tops. I have been reading one for the past six days now and I keep telling myself to finish it but with everyday that passes that I don’t finish that book, I disappoint myself a little bit more and then brush it under the rug. It wasn’t that deep. Well, it became that deep this morning. And this was one of many deadlines that I had been extending.

So in my awoken state of mental paralysis this morning, I struggled to find the will to go to work. I stayed sitting on the closed lid of the toilet in my pyjamas and just kept continuously willing myself to get up and just bathe. Just go. A contract was signed. This isn’t school where you can just stab a class, you actually have responsibilities.

I sent a message to my boss when this episode started, that I would be late instead of that I would not be present because I knew their expectation of me will eventually win the battle of logic and mental state.

About three hours after a normal business day starts, I made my way to the kitchen. Fresh off a bath, no skincare, no effort in my clothing or hair. I didn’t care enough. The fact that I stood up was enough for me. I drank a glass of water, ate a piece of chicken, opened a bottle of wine, filled my water bottle and left the house.

Was it too early for alcohol? Yes. But I needed it to lower my inhibitions in a place where I knew I would have to interact with people. I needed to numb the paralysis enough to actually be engaging and useful.

The weird part? It worked. Random sips of wine during the day and it was like a cure. I was smiling at jokes I would have otherwise given a blank stare to. I was tolerable to people and situations would have otherwise been irritated and annoyed with. I was singing along to songs instead of being annoyed that someone had the nerve to be playing music too loud.

Why am I posting this? I feel someone would relate. I feel someone would understand or need this. That they would feel understood in a world where a lot of people don’t talk about the bad days.

Now I wouldn’t advise the alcohol at work. I have high tolerance and I took enough to fill a 100ml bottle which I have been sipping gradually during the day. As I type, about to go home, I haven’t even finished it but it fulfilled its purpose and that’s all that matters.