the one with the terrorists

flying cockroaches should be considered wild animals

Gather round kids, Chineme has a tale to tell (google please stop autocorrecting my name to chinese, thank you)

It was a dark and stormy night (it was early Sunday morning). The woman was a tenured war soldier. She came out of her tent and took in the scenery (I came out of my room into the bathroom).

All of a sudden, a gun was cocked, an enemy present (you guys I looked up and a cockroach was on the ceiling). She picked up her gun in preparation to shoot (I swallowed my fear, reasoning I could kill the roach). Then she heard multiple other guns being cocked (a new cockroach crawled out from behind the heater). 

She started to retreat back towards her tent (I decided fuck this bath and reached towards the door handle, I can’t do two cockroaches, what if they fly?) A gun was shot, the bullet whizzing past her ear (note to future self, no sudden movements if your predators are cockroaches, those bitches will begin to fly).

She called for backup (I started screaming bloody murder. Mind you it’s five am in the morning). Her comrades in the tent behind her start to come out (my mother rushed out of her room, panicked, and entered the bathroom. She sees its cockroaches I’m screaming for again and is utterly disappointed in me)

It became a four against an unknown number (it was two cockroaches against my mum, I was too busy squeezing myself into a corner to look invisible). Her and her comrades cause distractions to figure out where the people are hiding (one manages to hide). 

The soldiers shot, they shoot back (at this point the visible one is flying, in my fetal position on the bathroom floor, I notice the hiding one crawling towards me). Some of the enemy fell (she hit one, then she turned for the other one). Some shoot more fiercely (I show her the one crawling towards me and as if the roach senses her coming it begins to fly again. I manage not to scream out loud)

The soldiers retreat and then got out a grenade and threw it in the direction of the enemy (my mum does not retreat, she was a war, a fire. I was so proud of the woman because it could never be me). A loud bang and all was silent (I’m sure you can tell that the bang is the sound of her bathroom slippers smacking the life out of the cockroach with one shot. War is over)

The soldiers crept towards the intruders and confirmed that they were all dead (I would like to say I did no creeping. I didn’t even change my shrivelled, make-me-one-with-the-wall position). They gathered up the guns of the intruders and added them to their inventory (the beautiful woman who birthed me, wraps her hand in tissues, picks up both cockroaches, wraps them in the tissues and throws them away, then goes back to her room).

THE END.

Did y’all like my story? (say yes!).

Fun-fact: this whole encounter didn’t take up to three minutes.

Question: Why did Noah let cockroaches into that ark?

What hurts me most is the fact that this doesn’t even beat my most traumatic cockroach story (I was watching TikTok in my room about two years ago and felt something moving around in my hair. Lo and behold it was a fucking roach).

Bottomline, I HATE COCKROACHES (WITH PASSION)

It’s a new week. Another Monday. I’m once again at work but this time with a little bit of Christmas spirit (we set up our tree over the weekend).

Song rec is for my Christmas tree and all other Christmas trees in the world. You are appreciated (dear Christmas trees enjoy this few weeks of freedom before you become once more restrained and thrown into a dark, tight and uncomfortable basement)

Another fun-fact: Brenda Lee was 14 when she recorded this song (she sounds fifty-five!)

Anywho, rob a bank today, so that you can do Detty December without having to work corporate (incase they catch you, it’s not me that told you). If you’re too afraid to rob a bank (or steal or do yahoo), find one IJGB and rub their head small while telling them you love them (works wonders but I wouldn’t know.)

Toodles!!

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the cover is exactly how I see cockroaches