To All The Primary School Boys I've Ever Loved

oh, you thought it was over?

Good afternoon Mr Chairman, Panel of Judges, My Accurate Timekeeper, My lovely co debaters and My ever-listening audience.

My name is Chineme, of A Day In The Life(Yap Corner) and Song Scenarios and I am here today to argue for the topic: “CHINEME IS A HOT CAKE”

Firstly, what is a “hot cake”?

By personal definition, a “hot cake” is a girl all the girls want to be and all the boys want to be with.

By google definition, a "hot cake" refers to someone who is attractive, desirable, and popular, often implying a person who is in high demand. It is similar to the English slang term "a catch" and is used to describe someone who is highly sought after, either romantically or in other social contexts.

Now that we’ve gotten the definitions down, I would like offer the proof of being a hot cake. I want to show working. If you would turn your eyes to the screen.

*pulls out a projection board and a pointer from nowhere*

According to my presentation, it is shown that during my university days, I was quite a desirable young lady.

*shows slide 1: To All The Uni Boys part 1*

I almost got like three boyfriends in my first year of university alone.

*shows slide 2: To All The Uni Boys part 2*

I had multiple young men asking me out or confessing their crushes on me.

*shows slide 3: To All The Uni Boys part 3*

I had a Euphoria level drama with a boy and that only happens with hot cakes

*pushes projection board back to the void it came from and flings pointer*

Now my co-debaters might argue that maybe Chineme (that’s me) had a glow-up and I also came today with proof to dispute that theory.

Grade 1D

This is as far back as my memory goes but in this year, I had a lovely young man who was very vocal about his cute little crush on me.

He used to sit near me in classes even when he didn’t need to.

My most prominent memory of this young boy’s crush on me was when he brought his mum’s jewelry to school to give me as a gift.

Assortments of rings, earrings and necklaces for little me who didn’t even understand, not to talk of reciprocate, these feelings.

I don’t recall if I told my teacher or she noticed, but trust he got a stern talking to and then had to take the jewelry home.

I wonder what his mum did to him since we were like 5 or 6 years old at the time.

But think about it. I was an absolute babe that a boy stole jewelry for me.

Grade 2B

All I remember about this year is that a different guy was basically head over heels for me. The whole class knew. He was very vocal about it.

Grade 3C

There was a guy in my class S, who liked me so much he told his female friend E.

As far as little kids play goes, I heard they were planning a class wedding. I sat wondering who was getting married.

One day, E comes and gives me a ring pop sweet. I thank her. I lick it.

Later that day, the wedding begins. I discover I am the bride.

S is the groom.

The ring pop was the sweet we were supposed to use to bind us in classroom matrimony.

We were supposed to put on the rings and lick it together as a couple, but I had already licked and thrown mine out. There was no time to buy another.

That was how I ruined my surprise wedding.

But hey, I was an absolute babe that a boy made his friend throw a wedding for us.

Grade 4B

I thought the saga with S, was over. I had been evading him all of last year.

But it seems that S, who was in our primary boarding school, had been singing my praises in hostel because I gained a mini-stalker admirer.

This boy, who I don’t even remember his name to give a close pseudonym, was in primary three and already looking at older women.

If I thought S, was persistent, this guy was worse. S sang my praises so bad and this little guy was enamored.

He was everywhere. I started avoiding him.

I tried telling him straight but I don’t know what S mentioned about me cause he was undeterred.

I would give him points for persistence but he should have understood that a woman’s no is NO.

Then there was the other guy N, who literally kept a grudge with me because I chose to go to another birthday party instead of his’ in Primary three (I was invited to both and my mum was also invited to the other one we went to, which is why we went for that).

He was upset to the point that he invited the entire class but me in primary four.

Coincidentally again, I had an event on that same day. And this one was near his house so, I crashed his birthday party.

I entered, met all my friends, had fun with them and then he spotted me.

He threw me out angrily.

And then I found out he liked me and that’s why he was really hurt.

So I guess you can say I was an absolute babe that a guy that liked me, talked about me so much that I got a new stalker and another guy crashed out on me cause I hurt his feelings by accident.

Grade 5C

It’s ironic that I have a story because I only did one term in primary five.

I was voted in as assistant class captain, in what I now realize as I type, was a misogynistic move from my class teacher. Like wait, he took all boys as candidates for class captain and girls for assistant.

Does he think girls couldn’t rule? or he just didn’t allow it in his class.

Anyway, back to our debate.

I was nominated as assistant class captain and if you know anything about primary school, you know that position is a huge popularity contest. And I won. #hotcake.

Now a guy, D, was class captain and I was assistant. We were like academic rivals and at some point instead of arguing who was smarter (I was, we compared results at the end of the term and I scored higher), we made a little clique and worked together,

Being class captain and assistant, we had to be close to keep the class in order, and with that my rubbish classmates started shipping us.

We would be acting out our drama book for literature class and my classmates would see a romance scene and volunteer us both to act it.

He would be acting a traveler, our teacher would ask for someone to give him rollyrolly bags to simulate luggage and my classmates would give him my bag without me lifting a finger.

I swear I’m not exaggerating, the shipping was bad.

So bad to the point the entire set knew and started teasing us.

D and I had crushes on each other but started avoiding each other because of how big it had gotten. So in a way, I understand why the actors of King George and Queen Charlotte aren’t friends anymore.

Bottomline, I was an absolute babe that mass shipping kind of ruined a friendship.

Grade 6A

Now, let me explain why I did one term of primary five. My school usually has four arms of a grade(my school called it grade instead of primary). Each arm, had about fifteen students. So each grade had about sixty students or less.

Enough room for healthy competition.

But the grade six of that year had only one arm with eleven students because the rest went straight to JSS1 from grade five.

So in order to foster competition, they took the top three smartest kids of each arm and made us take an exam, if we passed, we get to skip to grade six.

All twelve of us passed but two sets of parents refused their kids skipping the rest of grade five, so just ten of us joined the grade six class to make us twenty one total.

No but forreal, y’all should fashi all my banter. I had First position and best in maths prizes locked in every prize giving day. I was THAT GIRL.

Now D and I both joined grade six, but with our friendship ruined, well, nothing from that end.

But then there was G.

I think there was something between G and another babe O, but as I entered that class second term, I turned into an unwitting boyfriend snatcher.

That boy’s eyes left her and turned to me.

Me that didn’t even know.

There was a day the thing cause fight. I don’t even remember how the fight happened. I just know that I got punished even though I was innocent because my name was in the matter.

So yes I was an absolute babe that I accidentally stole another girl’s man.

---

We have reached the end of my to all the boys series. There will be no secondary school version since I went to a girls only school.

Though, I was made a Princess during interhouse sports match past and in SS1, an SS3 girl kept beef with me because she picked me to be her bunkmate and I refused cause I wanted to bunk with a friend. And then said friend left me to bunk with the head girl claiming she couldn’t have said no cause she wasn’t as pretty and didn’t have the privilege I did.

I hope with these four posts of mine and a few substack testimonies, I have been able to convince you and not confuse you that I, Chineme am indeed a hot cake.

An absolute babe, an asanwa, an asampete, an extremely gorgeous being, a girl without an ugly phase but yet still has a glowing personality and y’all should be eagerly awaiting my face reveal🤭.

I would say hide your men/women but tbh I don't want your men/women. I don't do boyfriend snatcher (contrary to what you just read)